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Finally got around to scheduling some vacation - actually two vacations.

The Smokies (or pretty damn close):
Circle Face and I are visiting my mom and sister for a week in July (25th -Aug 3rd).  They live in Smithsville, TN - yep it's a metropolis.  I haven't seen my mom for about 6 years so I'm looking forward to spending time with her.  They haven't met Circle Face yet.  As well, my sister has a 14 month old son that I have yet to meet.  I'm mildly excited about this.  The family pretty much fell apart in the late 80s and it's never been the same.  I've seen my mom a handful of times in the last 20 years.  She wants me stay at their house but I just can't do that.  I'll cash in some Priority Club points and stay at the nearest Holiday Inn Express.

The Rockies:
This will be a solo retreat from Sep 30th thru Oct 5th with lotsa book reading and recovery stuff.  I booked a flight to Denver using some United vouchers.  I don't have a hotel reservation yet.  I'll either use my points for a free stay or seek a last minute deal on one of those travel sites.  I'll probably lock up the BlackBerry, unplug alarm clock, and reset the clock on the car stereo - all so that I'll never know what time it is.  The ex and I did the no clocks thing during a trip to Florida in '99 and it was a blast.  I have no plan for this one and I've never taken a solo vacation.  My goal is to just do what feels good for the moment and reflect on the past 2 years of my life.

I haven't scanned the hood lately - but dang!

I'm starting to miss TV.  Any chatters around tonight?

Part of my recovery is daily reading and meditation.  I keep an open mind about alternative approaches these days but today's thought stopped me in my tracks.  Not because it is the first time that I've been told to embrace my problems but because it caught me off guard.  Today's thought invoked Ghandi, Lincoln, and Helen Keller as examples of those who became great by rising to the occasion with vision, courage, fortitude, and compassion due to their challenges - not in spite of them.

I've been so angry lately with the TXW that I've inadvertently stepped back from my forward path and started playing in the mud with her.  It has been a struggle to see how I can turn the anger that I feel towards her into a positive.  Ideally the anger would just melt away but I'm unable at this time to let a couple injustices go.  Perhaps in some perverted way I like seeing myself as a victim in this case?  Perhaps I just need the distraction in order to avoid dealing with the 'real' challenges of recovery?  Or perhaps, I'm holding on to this anger because I haven't seen the positive side yet.

Ughhh, anyway.

Maybe we could get something like this for BlackBerry.  Maybe, please?

Vox has No Love for BlackBerry

Work has slowed
down finally.  I've been going none stop since returning from leave in March.  However, I'm guessing this is only a temporary pause as we have several bids out and we should win the majority of them.  One proposal in particular will change our division dramatically.  We could double in size (headcount and facilities) and quadruple our revenue.  It will probably make the news if we win but I won't be able to point it out on here because that would bust my employer's anonymity.

The cool part
is that 'if' we get it then I'll have to build two new data centers ...  and I love that!  That's my bread and butter right there.  I really wanted to build in Austin and Reno but HR couldn't make the numbers work in those cities.  We settled on Oklahoma City and Boise.  That was 6 months ago so by the time it comes to signing leases and racking servers then the actual cities could change 16 more times.

Of course
we missed an opportunity recently because we underbid the project - which makes the customer think we don't know what we are doing.  We freaking underbid it because our director wanted to take an unreasonably austere view of the technology requirements.  Grrrr

Sooooo,
I feel like a dog because the ex-wife (txw?) asked me to drive her to her bankruptcy hearing downtown tomorrow.  Of course I said, "no" - um because I couldn't get off work - which is a lie.  Why do I feel like a dog?   I'm thinking a of few reasons.

• Never really told her 'No' before so I feel like I'm disappointing her (as if that should matter now - warped I know)
  
• Told my first lie since being in recovery and it doesn't feel good called her back and said I didn't think it was a good idea and apologized for not being up front about it
  
• I feel like I'm turning my back on her - she is absolutely terrified to drive downtown

My rationalization
is that she shouldn't depend on me for anything non-Circle Face related.  She turned her back on Circle Face and I by refusing marriage counseling all those years --- I'm not absolving my behavior but she freaking refused to help us  --- now sleep in the bed you made.  As well, I'm not likely to move on emotionally if I'm helping her with stuff at every turn.

The thought in
the back of my mind is that I should just be a nice guy and go help her out.  Actually, I'd rather just feel good about whatever decision I make ... here's to wishful thinking.  Other than this issue today is a purdy good day.

Just found out that I've been divorced for about 45 minutes. Although I've been "single" for a couple years and I've been 'single' since the legal separation last June, I'm now single - without any qualifiers.

Mixed feelings actually.

It never fails... everytime she and I are together someone makes a well intentioned comment that goes something like:

"Ah, such a cutie pie..."
or, "what a heartbreaker..."
etc, etc.

While I'm thankful for the kind words, do you think it would kill 'em to occasionally comment about Circle Face? Sheeeesh ...

Ok, 'Kung Fu Panda' is starting... Bye.

:)