2 posts tagged “txw”

Part of my recovery is daily reading and meditation.  I keep an open mind about alternative approaches these days but today's thought stopped me in my tracks.  Not because it is the first time that I've been told to embrace my problems but because it caught me off guard.  Today's thought invoked Ghandi, Lincoln, and Helen Keller as examples of those who became great by rising to the occasion with vision, courage, fortitude, and compassion due to their challenges - not in spite of them.

I've been so angry lately with the TXW that I've inadvertently stepped back from my forward path and started playing in the mud with her.  It has been a struggle to see how I can turn the anger that I feel towards her into a positive.  Ideally the anger would just melt away but I'm unable at this time to let a couple injustices go.  Perhaps in some perverted way I like seeing myself as a victim in this case?  Perhaps I just need the distraction in order to avoid dealing with the 'real' challenges of recovery?  Or perhaps, I'm holding on to this anger because I haven't seen the positive side yet.

Ughhh, anyway.

Sooooo,
I feel like a dog because the ex-wife (txw?) asked me to drive her to her bankruptcy hearing downtown tomorrow.  Of course I said, "no" - um because I couldn't get off work - which is a lie.  Why do I feel like a dog?   I'm thinking a of few reasons.

• Never really told her 'No' before so I feel like I'm disappointing her (as if that should matter now - warped I know)
  
• Told my first lie since being in recovery and it doesn't feel good called her back and said I didn't think it was a good idea and apologized for not being up front about it
  
• I feel like I'm turning my back on her - she is absolutely terrified to drive downtown

My rationalization
is that she shouldn't depend on me for anything non-Circle Face related.  She turned her back on Circle Face and I by refusing marriage counseling all those years --- I'm not absolving my behavior but she freaking refused to help us  --- now sleep in the bed you made.  As well, I'm not likely to move on emotionally if I'm helping her with stuff at every turn.

The thought in
the back of my mind is that I should just be a nice guy and go help her out.  Actually, I'd rather just feel good about whatever decision I make ... here's to wishful thinking.  Other than this issue today is a purdy good day.